Goddess Makeover Ecourse - Week 1

I have a dear goddess sister named Camille who guided me to this lovely new course - Goddess Makeover (a 7 part ecourse in personal values, self-actualization and divine reveling). I have just downloaded my materials and have listened to the first visualization. I thought I would blog my journey.....

Questions - Week 1

• Goddess Rule #1 -celebrates my physical body and my connection to Earth, family and humanity. My score was a 5...pretty much right in the middle. I am in the process of reconnecting with my body. I have been extremely overweight and cut off from my connection to the earth and my body for a long time. This has changed over the last few months with the ecourses I have done, with Nia and with my desire/action to shed this weight and listen to my body. I feel that I am half way there to celebrating my physical body....I also feel that I have been discovering my connection to the Earth in wanting to live more gently, craving the outdoors more and exploring earth based spirituality. As far as family and humanity...I am on the fence. I have a lot of resistance to my family and to humanity in general. I find it difficult to not be judgemental when I read stories of abuse and neglect and the raping of our earth and it's many creatures...my family I find it difficult to connect with as they are all so different from me and there has been so much pain between us. I would like to get to the point that I can release my resentments and embrace family and humanity right where it is at yet still being able to be true to my own values and ways of living.
• I listened to the guided visualization twice as the first time thru felt rushed. The insights I received were more about feelings of empowerment, connection, inner strength and knowingness and confidence...I loved the imagery of my spine rooting in the earth and being nourished by Gaia, earth mother. I felt a sense of peace and just knowingness that I am a strong and capable woman walking my path. I felt alive in my body with freedom of movement...uninhibited by the world. I believe I can action these insights by reminding myself of the feeling I had in my meditation and living from that space. it was not about doing, but rather being.
• The message given to me is "I have all the knowledge inside of me". Sometimes I am riddled with doubt and paralyzed in action. The message of the warrior queen, Gaia is that I already have all the answers and the knowingness to manifest and create this physical connection to everything.
• I would really like to explore my connection to the Warrior Queens...in particular Kali, Gaia and Artemis and the values I most resonated with were Passion, Life Direction and Connection. Passion because I love the feel of excitement and energy when I become passionate about a project, a new direction in life or an event. It is the thing that keeps me exploring and seeking, especially on my spiritual path. Life Direction because I am deeply entrenched in this process of changing mine. I will be pursuing my hypnotherapy certification and plan to develop a practice being a hypnotherapist. I am also in the process of creating the body I have always wanted to releasing old thought patterns. Connection because I am discovering how much I miss having connection...with the earth, with nature, with like minded women who inspire and who I can share this journey with. Above all I long for a deep connection with myself that is not riddled with judgement or shame or guilt.
• From this moment on, I intend to foster Warrior Queen values by connecting with my warrior queens, Kali, Gaia and Artemis and allow their spirits to help me become a Warrior Queen myself. I intend to stand in my own truth, own my passions, connect and circle with women and empower myself to stay on tract with my life direction.

Goddess Makeover Ecourse - Promises, Promises

• From this day forward, I promise to fuel my passions so all of my divine projects can be made manifest. I will allow my joy and enthusiasm for my creativity to be manifested thru action.
• From this day forward, I promise to myself a willingness to seek community...to trust and circle with women and allow their gifts to come into my life as well as sharing my own gifts with the universe.
• From this day forward, I promise to remind myself daily that I am loved, wanted and valued so I am always operating from a sense of security within me.
• From this day forward, I promise to honor my life's direction....to take action steps on a regular basis to get me closer to actualizing my big dreamy dreams.
• From this day forward, I promise to stay connected to the earth and to myself...to realize that there is a golden thread of truth that connects all living things...we are all a thread in the web of life and there is no separation.
• From this day forward, I promise to engage in my community to foster my role in humanity. I promise to create a balance in my life of turning inward and giving/receiving outwardly.
• From this day forward, I promise to fully engage in my sexuality...to live out my fantasies and knowing I am a seductress.

Goddess Makeover Ecourse - Goddess Time

• The person that comes to mind that exemplifies the Warrior Queen is Oprah. She has such a strong presence and knowingness in her life. She lives life on her own terms and is not afraid to share her truth. She is a humanitarian, she is willing to embrace her beauty and she stands in her truth and power. I love that she is always seeking within herself.

This week I plan to spend a lot of time with Kali, Gaia and Artemis to learn the lessons and medicine they have for me. I have already developed a relationship with Kali as she has assisted in me in transforming some fears. I would also like to create an artwork that exemplifies the feelings and attributes of the Warrior Queen Goddess and will be posting when it is completed.

Embarking on a new adventure

I feel as though I have had a tremendous shift in consciousness over the last month, in particular over the last week. In January, I began a journey with Goddess Leonie and her wonderfully designed ecourses. I discovered a passion for painting and creativity...I started developing sacred spiritual practices....I found my love of movement, particularly Nia and I started applying action to my dreams and visions that have been brewing under the surface for many years now.

What I had not expected was simultaneously expanding and contracting during the process. I struggled with some personal relationships at the same time developing new ones in my new circle of women, I felt a tremendous deepening in my relationship with my husband and yet I found myself pushing him away with my nagging and bitching, I embraced a new way of moving my body and then when I injured my knee that all came to an abrupt end and catapulted me into an eating frenzy when my husband and I went to Texas for his grandmother's funeral. This process has been amazing and difficult at the same time. In looking back, I can see when I was standing in my power and when I was riddled with fear and doubt.

The other day I was reading a post from GoddessGuidebook.com on letting go of belongings and how that process is freeing yet fearful at the same time. This really resonated with me. I know that everything carries an energy with it...possessions, thoughts, beliefs....everything. My husband and I recently went thru a few of our closets and got rid of stuff that we no longer used, was not giving us joy, or carried an energy to it that is not in alignment with who we are. It was liberating and in contemplating this process as well as the blog post from Leonie, I realized that I am on a journey this year of releasing and letting go.

I look back on my life and I have carried all of this excess baggage with me...my body weight that was used for protection as I grew up...my old clothes from when I was smaller waiting to shrink back into....old photos and memories of a time when I was deeply self destructive...and above all a feeling of unimportance, a feeling of being unlovable and unworthy of the gifts buried deep down waiting to emerge, a feeling to thinking that my very existence was of little concern for the world at large.

It is these very things that I am letting go of this year....for I know the truth of who I am. I went recently to my monthly meeting with a mentor and teacher and was sharing the events and feelings over the last month. I rediscovered how deep these wounds have been and also how different I am now then how I was. I rediscovered that in embracing these untruths I am not living the authentic life that I long to live, that I am not allowing my beautiful and amazing husband how loves every square inch of me to truly love and be loved by me, that I am holding onto to this excess weight as a shield when I am no longer at war.

I am a changed person and I am noticing the signs and this is good. I am leaning into who I have longed to be and I am learning to dream big dreamy dreams again.

Truth and Shadow

It has been a wonderful week for me in many ways. I have been working on two Goddess e-courses from Goddessguidebook.com. Goddess Leonie is fantastic...she is creative, silly and deeply spiritual...my favorite combination. I have learned soo much about myself from taking these courses. I am exploring my creativity, discovering a passion for painting...I even did a vision board which was a wonderful experience, I am exploring mindful eating and making choices that make my body feel radiant and alive...I am exploring movement (not as exercise) but as a way to really connect with my body. I have fallen in love with Nia and can't imagine going a week without this beautiful form of movement. I am deeply committed to honoring my path and my truth...making this process gentle and knowing I am on a journey....and I am deeply committed to stepping into my power.

With that said I had an experience last Saturday that was very disturbing to me and has really left me pondering about a significant relationship in my life. A friend of mine, who I have known for 22 years, who I have experienced significant aspects of both our lives with (adolescence, boys, marriage, birth, etc.), called and asked me if I would watch her son on Saturday for half the day as her husband had to work. I reluctantly agreed and all of this stuff came up over the next 20 hours until I had to pick up Fox at her mom's house.

I was deeply resentful of her husband for not scheduling his work around Nina's schedule, thinking he was just trying to get out of watching Fox while Nina was at work. (Background - he interferes with me trying to have a relationship with Nina, he is abrasive, demanding and selfish....as much as I would like to see the best in him, which isn't much, I have a difficult time seeing past his characteristics that drive me insane). I became resentful of Fox (8 years old) and his personality characteristics that I find offensive (he is spoiled, can be selfish, disrespectful and very demanding). I then became resentful of the fact that the only time Nina really calls me is when she needs something.

So, while all this is going on I am dreading the experience more and more. I pick Fox up and take him to an indoor fun park thinking that might be the best way to spend the time and the entire afternoon was miserable...I felt like I was in hell (not that I believe in hell)...but Mr. Biggs would be what I consider hell. Of course having a very spiritual last few weeks of quiet contemplation, it is an extreme experience to then go where hundreds of kids are running around screaming...the chaos was giving me a headache and all I could do was eat chocolate and watch the clock slowly tick by. I then felt guilty for the way I felt, not wanting to spend time around children...having reactions to things that you don't think you "should" have a reaction to is difficult to digest...It challenges how you think about yourself, especially in relation to the world.

I dropped off Fox in the early evening and hinted to Nina how difficult the experience was and that I wouldn't be open to it in the future. I then wanted to speak further about it with her but knew the time was not right, as Fox was there. She mentioned Tuesday but has yet to call and I am reluctant to call her.

I have spent a tremendous amount of time pondering this and ultimately decided that part of my reaction is in fact the imbalance in my relationship with Nina. I feel I have done much more for her and been a friend to her without the feelings being reciprocated. When I look back on the last several years of our friendship, we speak with each other just a few times a year and spend holidays together. I think I was willing for a long time to stuff my feelings because she was one of the few constants in my life (biological family has been in/out of my life for years)....even if that constant was only a phone call to ask for a favor. The other part had to do with not honoring my real feelings in the first place. I did not want to do it and by agreeing to it I was squashing my feelings.

In setting the intention to step into my truth and power, but not honoring my truth in agreeing to watch Fox and trying to stuff my feelings...I brought about the unresolved shadow aspect...which has caused me some pain and suffering this week...but has also brought me clarity. For that I am grateful.

I have decided I need to have a conversation with Nina and let her know I cannot continue to accept the dynamic of our friendship...in doing this I have to be willing to let it go if it does not change. I don't want to feel taken advantage of or participate in the obligatory holiday meetings when my heart longs for real connection. I believe deep down she cares for me...but sharing her life with a friend is not important or something she really thinks about. I don't expect her to change who she is or even to have her call me on a regular basis...I just want a more balanced friendship otherwise I prefer to not have one.

It has been a challenging week in dealing with this as my mind has gone back and forth. I am learning to accept who I am without buying into the fantasy of how I should be. All and all I want to feel grateful for the experience and think I will after it is resolved.

Fear and Doubt rear their beautiful heads...

As I am immersing myself in love and goddess energy...I am thinking of all the aspects of my life I would like to tweak and alter to bring me into better alignment.

I have started to move my body...experimenting in classes at the gym. I have a membership at 24 hour fitness and up until now I would try to convince myself that walking on the treadmill and riding the bike 5 days a week were necessary and not doing so would result in intense personal flogging. However, my boredom and lack of enthusiasm in mindless exercise seemed to always win against the fear of self inflicted punishment. What I realized as I started to look at myself with gentleness that I needed to find a form of movement that brought me into alignment with the sacredness of life and something that supported my values and spiritual needs. Many years ago, I fell in love with dance and for a period of a year I lived to go to nightclubs. I could lose myself for hours in the music and movement of my body. I thought to myself what if I could merge the love I had for dance, which I shelved almost a decade ago, and my desire/need for movement. So, naturally I tried Zumba. It was fun and I enjoyed the Latin aspect to it, but it wasn't quite gentle enough for what I was looking for and it lacked the spiritual element I was craving. I then ran across Nia. I took my first class on Thursday and it was AMAZING!! It was everything I was looking for, a complete connection with passion, mind, body and spirit. This is going to be the foundation of my sacred movement practice, along with Qi Gong.

You are probably wondering where the title of this post fits in....

So, I am starting to move my body, I am swimming in goddess goodness, light, energy and love. I am getting ready to take the ecourses at goddessguidebook.com, radiance goddess and creative goddess. I look over the recipe book full of raw food and fear rears it's ugly/beautiful head. I have made some conscious decisions lately to start modifying my diet before I decided to take the Radiance Goddess ecourse. As I have eliminated the tools (namely television) that have kept me numb from life, I am discovering a more sensitive and connected self. I no longer want to contribute to the needless suffering of animals, but at the same time I enjoy eating meat and am not ready to become a vegetarian. So I made the conscious decision to only eat meat that is organic and free-range. I have given up eating at all of my favorite restaurants because I do not want to support a company that purchases meat from these large industrial manufacturers where the well being of the animals is secondary to profit. Granted in no way does the Radiance ecourse mean you have to be vegetarian...this is something that is coming out of my spiritual journey, the desire and need to walk more gently on this earth.

So, I have made the conscious decision to eat more organic and free-range...I am looking at the raw food diet from the radiance goddess ecourse...I am contemplating dairy free, caffeine free, meat free and I panic. I start researching vegetarianism and ran across a blog that outlines in detail the slaughter of animals and I am mortified. My body, mind and soul are paralyzed with fear and anxiety over the suffering of animals and how my food choices thru my life have contributed to this. I woke up this morning wanting to eliminate caffeine from my body, feeling guilty and heavily judging myself for my food choices and it completely knocks me out of my comfort zone. I had a horrible headache all day, not knowing if it was from the lack of caffeine, the stress or both and all I wanted to do was check out....

So I took a three hour nap, had lunch (bagel and yogurt) and decided to meditate to Goddess Leonie's Releasing Fear meditation. I had a nice visit with Goddess Kali overlooking the mountain cliff and discovered that this process is a gentle process and I need to take little steps at a time. When it comes to food, I have many psychological hangups. You don't get to 350 pounds with a healthy relationship to food. So, I forgave myself for feeling guilty and judging myself on the past, I took a long bubble bath by candlelight, drove to Starbucks and got some coffee and dedicated myself to this process...understanding that this is a process and the goal is to be gentle with myself.

I will use the guidance of the Radiance Ecourse to assist me in improving my diet so I can feel more centered and balanced. I would like to incorporate some of the recipes, especially the fruit ones. I would like to incorporate more vegetables and have found a nice recipe for a vegetable/lentil soup. I would like to cut back on sugar and meat, but I am not ready to drastically change my diet. When the time is right and I feel called to, I will naturally modify the direction of my life.

I am learning that when fear comes up, I need to look at it, honor it for what it is trying to teach me and work with it to a certain degree. Gentleness, Grace and Ease is the foundation I am building for a higher quality goddess life.

Peace and Blessings

The Beginning...

Greetings fellow goddesses,
I am embarking on a journey, a spiritual journey, that is going to bring me in alignment with the divine. I am on a journey to step fully into my power and truth, no longer denying my gifts to myself and the world. I wanted to document this journey to be a witness for my own healing transformations.

I have recently stubbled upon Goddess Leonie at GoddessGuidebook.com and what an amazing spirit she has. Leonie, Sone and the community of Goddesses she has brought together have inspired me on my journey. I look forward to growing, enriching my life, exploring creatitivy, moving my body and learning to embrace my truth without excuses.

I would like to begin by sharing my story with you. My identity for most of my life has been centered around my body and it's size. I grew up overweight, was teased horribly for this by both my peers and my father. It erradicated my sense of self worth and sent me on a journey of self destructive patterns for most of my adult life. I found my spiritual path many years ago and have been meandering along it for over a decade now, dipping my toe into it once and awhile but allowing my pain and shame to run my life. To compensate for this I numbed myself with television, food and at some points in my life drugs and alchohol.

I can look back on the last 35 years and wish I did things differently, but I realize I have to take the journey I have been on, honor it and allow it to lead me on my path of awakening. I am not hiding behind shame anymore. I am embracing the beautiful women I am, all 350 pounds of me and I am ready to fully integrate body, mind and soul. My journey is not one of weight loss, but rather bringing my body and soul into alignment. I believe the by product will be a healthier weight, but that is not my ultimate goal.

As I have turned off the television, I have realized how disconnected I have been from myself. The mild depression I felt was trying to communicate to me, but until now, I wasn't ready to listen. With the support of my beautiful goddesses, my gorgeous and loving husband and my new found connection to self, 2010 will be a year of healing transformations